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  #1  
Old 11-21-2009, 10:18 PM
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That was crafty.
 
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Default FML!

I was reading some ****MyLife's @ fmylife.com and a few were too good to pass up. So i had to show them to you.

I know some of them have got to be fabricated, but no matter, they are still funny as hell.


Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML


Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying "I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I asked him about it he said "I don't know what you're talking about Megan". My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML


Today, the girl I've loved for the past two years finally expressed her innermost feelings for me. After a brief make out session, she asked me to "never leave her side". When I got home, my mom told me that my dad got a new job. I'm moving to the other side of the globe in two weeks. FML


Today, my teenage stepdaughters, as a punishment for refusing to buy them iphones, told my wife they saw me in town kissing an attractive blonde and grabbing her ass (all invented). She believed it and i'm single. I've been faithful and feeding the whole family for 10 years. FML


Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly ressembled the sounds my wife makes in bed. When I asked her what she was doing she said "I'm pretending to be mommy from last night." I was on a business trip last night. FML


Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML


Today, it's my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate to Itunes. It came for free with the iPhone they just bought my sister for her middle school graduation. FML


Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "******." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML


Today, my wife went to the hospital because she had been gaining weight recently and had missed her period the last three months. We thought it was menopause. Turns out she's pregnant. I've been sterile since the day I was born. FML


Today, the girl I love and I went to visit my parents out of state for the first time. My father grinned and acknowledged that she was a "keeper", at which she laughed and said we were "just friends". I was going to propose to her next week. FML


Today, I unexpectedly got my period at lacrosse practice. Our playing field is a 1/2 mile run away any bathrooms so I headed towards the woods with a tampon. Just as I was about to insert the tampon, the entire boys cross country team ran by... laughing. FML


Today, my parents yelled at me for 10 minutes without letting me get a word in edgewise for getting a 48 on my test. They took my phone, unplugged my internet, and took my car keys. They wouldn't listen no matter how many times I told them "It was out of 50". It actually was. FML


Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML


Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML


Today, I was wearing my workout clothes that consist of short shorts and a tank top and was walking to my car. I then heard a bunch of men whistling and saying "Who's your daddy?" and "Why don't you come over here, cutie." As I got closer I realized that it was my dad and his friends. FML


Today, my white mother in law called our house phone. Since I'm Chilean and have a fairly heavy accent, she mistook me for the cleaning lady and scolded me for answering the phone. Before I could correct her, she said "this is why only white people should be allowed in America" and hung up. FML


Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML


Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML


Today, my fiance's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. I'm a vegetarian. They had names. FML


Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancee, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancee for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML


Today, I opened my mail to find my Brown acceptance letter. Excited, I showed my dad who just laughed and said 'what, it's not like it's Harvard'. No one in my family has ever gone to college. My dad didn't even graduate from high school. FML


Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my penis over my jeans and said "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML


Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML


Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidently drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML


Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML


Today, my husband came home from work angry. He started yelling about how much he hates the neighbor's kids and that he never wants to have children. I was going to tell him I'm pregnant tonight. FML


Today, I overheard my mother and sister talking so I stopped to eavesdrop. I recently enlisted in the Marines, and they were talking about what they would do with the money if I died. FML


Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML


Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML


Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML


Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML


Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say "Oh man, you're gonna make me ***" to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FML


Today, my dad told me he has been dating my boyfriend's mom while I was away at college. They have gotten pretty serious, and are thinking about getting married. I might be dating my stepbrother. FML
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  #2  
Old 11-21-2009, 10:48 PM
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Wow. Some of them are great. I was literally laughing out loud
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  #3  
Old 11-21-2009, 10:57 PM
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Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my penis over my jeans and said "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML


lulz
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  #4  
Old 11-21-2009, 11:03 PM
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some of those are hilarious, What the website you got hese from?
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  #5  
Old 11-21-2009, 11:03 PM
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You shouldn't laugh at yourself like that Obrien.



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  #6  
Old 11-21-2009, 11:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by p3bumpin View Post
some of those are hilarious, What the website you got hese from?
fmylife.com
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  #7  
Old 11-21-2009, 11:04 PM
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Wowzaz
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  #8  
Old 11-21-2009, 11:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by obrien202 View Post
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my penis over my jeans and said "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML


lulz

I'm sure she did Thomas, I'm sure she did....

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  #9  
Old 11-21-2009, 11:08 PM
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i died hahahah
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  #10  
Old 11-21-2009, 11:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snoopysnooper View Post
i died hahahah
Who logged in and posted for you then?
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