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  #1  
Old 01-19-2010, 03:35 PM
iamsonic's Avatar
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Default The Official Joke Thread {CLEAN} // {PG}

The Official Joke Thread!

And while I was at it er whatever, I grabbed a good joke too!
[I mean, you came in here to read a joke right?]


Quote:
Originally Posted by kleefarr View Post
Economic Models explained with cows

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbor

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the
other, then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your
herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via
an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed
company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The
public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them. Wikimedia Anderson Model

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You
close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

Last edited by iamsonic; 01-19-2010 at 08:14 PM.
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  #2  
Old 01-20-2010, 08:06 AM
nismos14's Avatar
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lol good one mate!
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Quote:
if it was anyone besides nizzy i would agree. but he gave you the benefit of the doubt and only gave you a 5 pter when it should be considered a perma ban. nizzy isnt a nazi mod, hes one of the laid back ones. although i do not support all of the staffs decisions this is one staff that i do support 100%. just let it go and move on. it will expire
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  #3  
Old 01-20-2010, 09:03 AM
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Old, but good......


Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office ,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office ,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office ,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office , Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked......
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  #4  
Old 01-20-2010, 09:26 AM
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3 vampires walk into a vampire bar.
The first vampire orders a bloody mary.
The second orders a Blood Light.
The third orders a hot cup of water.*
The bartender gets the first two vampires their drinks. He leans in to the third and says "This is a vampire bar, so I gotta ask, why hot water?"
The third vampire whips out a used tampon and dips it into the water and replies "tea".
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  #5  
Old 01-20-2010, 09:50 AM
ascitiesburn69's Avatar
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LOL^^^
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  #6  
Old 01-20-2010, 10:04 AM
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Lol fml.


Quote:
Originally Posted by oxsign View Post
old, but good......


Why i fired my secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and i didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" happy birthday."

i thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when i left for the office ,
i felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.


As i walked into my office ,
my secretary jane said,
"good morning boss,
and by the way
happy birthday ! "
it felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock ,
when jane knocked on my door
and said, "you know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
i said, "thanks, jane,
that's the greatest thing
i've heard all day.
Let's go !"

we went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and i enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office ,
jane said, "you know,
it's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office , do we ?"

i responded,
"i guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
she said,
"let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

after arriving at her apartment,
jane turned to me and said,
" boss, if you don't mind,
i'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"ok." i nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "happy birthday".


And i just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked......
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  #7  
Old 01-20-2010, 10:21 AM
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that was funny oxsign!!!
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  #8  
Old 01-20-2010, 01:23 PM
iamsonic's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oxsign View Post
Why I fired my Secretary.
great joke!

Quote:
Originally Posted by blackman View Post
3 vampires walk into a vampire bar.
ew!
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  #9  
Old 01-20-2010, 01:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blackman View Post
3 vampires walk into a vampire bar.
The first vampire orders a bloody mary.
The second orders a Blood Light.
The third orders a hot cup of water.*
The bartender gets the first two vampires their drinks. He leans in to the third and says "This is a vampire bar, so I gotta ask, why hot water?"
The third vampire whips out a used tampon and dips it into the water and replies "tea".
this is pg? very funny still.
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